


Shadows

by merentha13



Category: The Professionals
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-05
Updated: 2011-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-23 10:43:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merentha13/pseuds/merentha13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray's in hospital, but where is Bodie?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> Another experiment - this one trying to use first person POV

“How long will he be like this?”

“That’s impossible to say. His physical injuries are mostly healed. I have no explanation for his withdrawal. Maybe he just needs time.”

The voices intruded on the silence he hid in. ‘Time,’ he scoffed to himself. Time means nothing to me. I only notice its passing because of the shadows on the walls. ‘At least they’re quiet. They don't want anything from me.’

“Is this all he does all day, just sit in the chair and stare out the window?”

“I’m afraid so. He doesn’t respond to questions, although he does take care of his own personal needs, he feeds himself and dresses when he’s prompted. But other than that… nothing.”

“I see. This is so unlike Doyle. He doesn’t give up easily. He’s always been a tenacious fighter."

“Fight? You want me to fight? Fight what? There’s nothing left worth fighting for.”

“Has something happened recently, beside the accident of course? Something that might account for this retreat?”

“No.” There was a hesitation, then, “His partner left.”

Shut up, shut up, shut up! I don’t want to hear about that bloody bastard. He’s gone. Leave it. He’s gone and it’s my fault. I don’t need you to remind me. I keep seeing it, hearing him. Bodie’s face pale with shock, his eyes filling with anger. “What the fuck are you playin’ at, Doyle?” Doyle, was it? I knew I’d ruined it then. I’m ‘Doyle’ when Bodie’s angry, or when Bodie wants to put some distance between us. The intimacy of being ’Ray’ disappeared with my ill timed words. ‘I love you, Bodie.’ I’d give anything to take them back, to leave the thought unsaid no matter how true it was.

“His partner, you said?”

“Yes. They’ve been my best team for the last seven years.”

“Any idea what happened? Why did the man leave?”

“I’ve no idea. The operation they were working on had fallen apart, through no fault of theirs, and they’d gone off together for a pint. It’s a common practice among the agents, helps them come down from the adrenaline rush. Nothing seemed unusual, and yet, the next morning I had Bodie’s resignation on my desk. He said he’d had enough. I thought maybe the failed operation... but he’s threatened to resign before. Ach, they both have. I didn’t really take it seriously until he didn’t show up when Doyle was hospitalized.

You’ve got it all wrong, Cowley... Mister Cowley. I know why he left. The job had nothing to do with it. It was me. I drove him away with my daft talk about love and forever and commitment. Pushing too far. Always wanting more than I have. Never satisfied to leave things alone, am I? Have to pick at things until they bleed. I had him, had him in my heart and in my bed. But it wasn’t enough for old Raymond, was it? Oh no. I had to push for more, I always do... can’t just accept and enjoy... there’s always one more question to ask, one more point to clarify, one more thing to beat to death.

Not Bodie, though. He just goes with what feels right to him. Doesn’t need to analyze everything. And he told me that too, “It feels so fucking good with you, Ray. Just turn off that messy head and go with it.” A small smile came with that thought. Don’t know why I put up with his patronizing attitude.

But he was right and I couldn’t just go with it, could I? I wanted to capture him for my own, needed to tie him to me, tie him down. And he ran. And now I have nothing but my own shadow on the wall for company. Damn, no tears now. I have to keep control, can’t let them see…

“Doctor! Is he... he’s crying!”

“Mr. Doyle? Mr. Doyle, can you hear me?”

Crying? Not me, mate. There are no tears left. I cried myself dry the night he fucking left me, after I punched a few holes in the wall and flung a few glasses around the lounge. After the tears and anger were spent, I was empty. There was nothing left inside. So I tried to fill the hole with alcohol. That didn’t work so I went out looking for company. Found myself at a fair. Thought to lose meself in the lights, the people, the noise and the laughter. Instead I found myself watching the flying swings. I felt as dizzy and abandoned as one of the lost hats flying off the oblivious heads of the riders as they were spun around and around... I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up here in this room. People coming and going all the time, calling my name, asking questions I don’t have answers to. They’re not quiet, like the shadows. Bloody hell, why can’t they all just go away and leave me the fuck alone?

“What does it mean?” The Scottish voice sounded worried.

“It’s progress. It shows he’s feeling, thinking. He’s still in there. We need to find the catalyst to bring him back.”

Bring me back to what? A job I’m not sure I believe in anymore? A boss willing to sacrifice everything and everyone to keep England smelling of roses and lavender? A life without Bodie by my side? Not sure I want to come back to that.

“Well Doctor, keep me informed. I need to get back to headquarters.”

Ah, alone at last. Seems like they’d been watching me for hours. I really should get into bed. I’m so bloody tired. But sleep never comes. Too many memories haunting my dreams. Maybe I’ll have to break down and take the sleeping pills they left.

The moon is full, bright enough to cast long shadows on the walls. Look, there’s my own shadow mocking me, showing me that I really am alone, just a solitary black silhouette on the wall. More burning in my eyes. Bloody hell! Why the tears now? ‘Not going to cry for the bloody bastard anymore!’ Noise. Did I speak out loud? What’s that, then? ‘M losing it, jumping at the smallest sounds. It was just someone opening the door. More shadows on the wall. I’m not going to look. It must be one of the nurses come to tell me to go to bed. But no, the nurses don’t touch me and there’s a strong hand gripping my shoulder. Another one gently rubs the back of my neck. I feel a warm breath ghosting across my ear and a familiar voice filled with regret and love and promise speaks a single word and somehow the world is right again.

“Ray.”


End file.
